going number two

2010-05-06T23:56:00.000-04:00

How's this: I'm taking a rancid dump and I just met Janet Jackson. That's text that I'm 100% sure has never been written before now. Dump is nasty.

2010-05-06T17:42:00.000-04:00

Late night jalapeno-egg-onion-cheese on a roll to cap off night of Mexican drinking has led to a dump resembling a pinata factory fire for my anus.

2010-04-23T12:25:00.000-04:00

This would have been a great dump to use at a protest. Additionally, it would have been equally effective if recorded for a SFX library/compilation.

2010-04-23T01:35:00.000-04:00

Had my first "Speedy Gonzalez" (red bull & tequila)... Speedy runs through my system faster than Usain Bolt (Jamaican food).

2010-04-20T14:43:00.000-04:00

Dumping out a night of stadium-food (from New Jersey), not sure what smells worse, the feces or Jersey.

2010-04-18T13:45:00.000-04:00

Fore some reason, my bathroom smelled like latex when I walked in. Let's rest assured that it doesn't smell like latex anymore. Nope, it smells like human feces.

2010-04-16T13:29:00.000-04:00

This dump is nothing to write home about... that's why I write to you.

2010-04-15T12:20:00.000-04:00

My engine parts have no sludge on them... My toilet??? Well that's another story. This is a Penske Dump.

2010-04-14T13:20:00.000-04:00

This dump has a heartbeat.

2010-04-12T12:34:00.000-04:00

I've been taking beer dumps for the last 8 days. I'm in for a dooz of a Monday.

2010-04-11T13:34:00.000-04:00

This is some mean stew I am brewing. POO-STEW!

2010-04-09T13:06:00.000-04:00

Taking a massive beer splatter at the beer store. Fitting.

2010-04-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

This is a future dump, nothing I ate supports this smell however what I am eating tonight should create this odor tomorrow. Spooky.

2010-04-08T12:37:00.000-04:00

This dump is a circuit training workout, breaking a sweat and strengthening my abs.

2010-04-07T11:34:00.000-04:00

This is what I call an "Indiana Jones Dump" b/c I've willingly gone in with what might not be enuf TP. Kinda like Indy getting under a lowering temple wall.

2010-04-06T18:07:00.000-04:00

Just an ol' fashioned beer dump, fartin' out in 3 point harmony ("harmony" meaning jalapeno burn, post-drinking night consistency, and tear-jerking odor).

2010-04-06T11:51:00.000-04:00

This dump sounded like a growling animal, now it just smells like a dead one.

2010-04-05T12:45:00.000-04:00

...and on the 3rd day my dump ascended into poo-heaven to be seated at the right hand of his father...

2010-04-04T14:54:00.000-04:00

I found the payload of Easter Eggs... they're rotten, turns out they were all up my butt. Not anymore! Funny Bunny strikes again!

2010-04-02T21:54:00.000-04:00

Believe it, it's true... no drinking for a week, 3 beers in and the shits I had forgotten spare me no tact by thundering in at a bar!

2010-04-01T11:35:00.000-04:00

I nickname dumps like this "Kenyans" because they just run right of of the butt, but they are not "the runs."

2010-03-31T18:52:00.000-04:00

Had to hold my first dump of the day till now, 6:30 PM b/c the shoot I was on today had no TP. I don't work often, but when I do I like to skirt duties w/ doody!

2010-03-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

This dump kind reminds me of when you kick off the work boots after a long day of being on your feet. Smell included.

2010-03-29T14:53:00.000-04:00

The Dumptaker is currently initiating the finishing move of The Last Wipe on the Shitbreak Kid! The Flush Tolls!

2010-03-27T13:04:00.000-04:00

I have taken 5 dumps in the last 24 hours. This one can only be described as "bitchin'!"

2010-03-27T01:03:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a dump at Rick's Cabaret... a stripper told me she hates WWF b/c it's fake. I told her the love they show us is fake. She walked away shortly after.

2010-03-26T12:52:00.000-04:00

Despite vomiting last night after 6 hours of an "Open Bar, Dude!" I am still taking a rather acidic, rancid dump. I'm pretty sure I dumped at the bar, too. Hmm.

2010-03-24T12:57:00.000-04:00

You know how the term "blood red" represents a pure, deep, beautiful red color... well, I just achieved "turd brown."

2010-03-24T03:49:00.000-04:00

Cheese overload last night led me to dumpless day (yesterday) and now early a.m. turding. Also refrained from hook-up attempt due to sincere poo-smelling farts.

2010-03-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

Taking a nice jalapeno dump. It was completely calculated. I needed to feel alive today!

2010-03-21T13:34:00.000-04:00

Taking my first spring dump! This will be a glorious year! It smells like daisies and my farts sound like the barks of a puppy.

2010-03-19T18:39:00.000-04:00

Wine dump... Wiping is like cleaning mildew off of the grout in the shower.

2010-03-18T13:56:00.000-04:00

It's March Madness, and you know what that means... uhhhh, it's actually pretty hard to comparte the tourney to a dump. My dump looks like Mike Kyschevshyloser.

2010-03-14T16:24:00.000-04:00

Taking a post Chinatown dump. Got wasted losing in a drinking game called "Liar's Dice" to Chinese Dave. My dump is like a long lo mein noodle! Ah ta ta ta ta!

2010-03-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

I have successfully created a "Dump Group" with this new phone. Consider me the Lord and yourselves my apostles in the religion of Holy Shit! Ninja 2:16

2010-03-12T15:58:00.000-05:00

I'm at the Whitney Museum's Biennial... I'm adding an installation to their bathroom wing. I'm calling it Turds: a Retrospective Glance into the Intestines!

2010-03-10T11:36:00.000-05:00

1st dump with my new Verizon service. This is gonna take some getting used to. So many new features. At least the smell remains the same!

2010-03-09T11:35:00.000-05:00

This is the last dump text I will ever send with Spring. Verizon holds the future of my turd tales. This is similar to Dale Jr. leaving DEI.

2010-03-07T13:03:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a "streetfooder". I ate a big lamb kebob last night & no cabbie would drive me so long as I was eating it.

2010-03-06T16:20:00.000-05:00

Taking a protein packed poo (nice alliteration, me! Nice!) Had all you can eat sushi last night. It's like shitting a school of fish.

2010-03-05T16:42:00.000-05:00

Now this is a beer dump!

2010-03-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a dump.

2010-02-28T13:19:00.000-05:00

I got Beerfest drunk last night. Didn't wake up next to Mo'nique, however. Taking a Chocolate Sunday right now!

2010-02-25T12:45:00.000-05:00

I've gotten to a point in my life now where i enjoy a hot cup of coffee WHILE taking a dump. Best start of a day (yes, I'm aware it's 12:45 pm.) ever!!!

2010-02-23T13:11:00.000-05:00

Taking a big, burrito w/ jalapeno Tuesday dookie. It's the tip of the peppers that create the burning sensation, I avoided them yesterday.

2010-02-22T12:29:00.000-05:00

This dump is not my gold medal performance, but it's still not as bad as Schuster's leadership of USA curling (men's).

2010-02-21T13:24:00.000-05:00

Taking a nice, peaceful Sunday afternoon dump. Kinda like enjoying a cold glass of lemonade on a hot, southern summer's day... except for the smell.

2010-02-19T15:39:00.000-05:00

Tequila splatters! Had a south-of-the-border adventure last night!

2010-02-16T02:53:00.000-05:00

Late night squeeze. It's like getting that last bit of ketchup out of the bottle.

2010-02-13T01:39:00.000-05:00

Late night butt-nuggets.

2010-02-12T12:15:00.000-05:00

What's more offensive to leave unflushed: a bowl of brown soup, or a bowl of giant logs? It may depend on the mood. I'm leaning towards logs.

2010-02-12T00:06:00.000-05:00

This dump smells like all the movie popcorn butter I've ingested over the past 3 years. And shit, oh yeah, it also smells like shit. Smells a lot like shit.

2010-02-11T13:08:00.000-05:00

Are you rooting for Danica to with the Valentine's Day 500 at Daytona? I'm taking a dump. I hope she wins for Tony Eury Jr.'s case. 0% but it'd be funny.

2010-02-08T22:03:00.000-05:00

God Bless low to the ground toilets. Oh yeah, God bless America too.

2010-02-08T14:25:00.000-05:00

I'm making "Bathroom Gumbo" to honor the Ain'ts Super Bowl victory & especially to honor Peyton's blowing of the game!

2010-02-07T13:23:00.000-05:00

Super Dump Sunday. If I were the halftime show and I had to take a dump mid-field, do you think it'd get more press than Janet Jackson's boob?

2010-02-04T01:53:00.000-05:00

I've come to a new scientific conclusion: hard turds that block looser-plentiful dumps are sediment turds. All the gut-dust gathers at bottom of intestine river.

2010-02-03T14:52:00.000-05:00

This is a needed butt-vomit after two previous butt-slugs that were slowing down traffic.

2010-02-01T12:34:00.000-05:00

This dump smells like toxic waste. Or, at the least, human waste.

2010-01-29T15:31:00.000-05:00

Taking a slow dump. Depending on when and where you are, some refer to these as "nightcrawlers."

2010-01-28T14:23:00.000-05:00

Detox dump. 3 days in. Clean-body dumps smell awful.

2010-01-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

Taking a BBD (Big Bad Dump). After two days of detoxing I expect it to be a glowing red color.

2010-01-26T14:08:00.000-05:00

Just enjoying my coffee and taking a dump. That's right.

2010-01-25T21:35:00.000-05:00

I've got horrible "bubble guts." I have to sit down on the toilet every time I fart for fear of dumping in my pants!

2010-01-23T19:00:00.000-05:00

Taking a big dump. It's big, I tell ya. Biiiiiiiig. Not as big as my last dump, but big nonetheless.

2010-01-23T01:37:00.000-05:00

Taking a dump on a can with no seat. It reeks of the multi-cultural cuisine of a NYC return! The Jersey boys at the urinal were just commenting on its foulness.

2010-01-21T16:24:00.000-05:00

I may get to meet Encino Man tonight! Taking another dump.

2010-01-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

First dump in the Big Crapple since getting back last night.

2010-01-20T14:02:00.000-05:00

No pretty girl next to me on this flight. Old Chinese man. Just ate a brisket sandwich, should have a good air-dump.

2010-01-19T19:05:00.000-05:00

Dump on the floor, dump on the floor. Lookin like a fool when you dump on the floor! Dump on the floor, shit turd sideways, lookin like a fool!

2010-01-17T14:10:00.000-05:00

Drinkin' $1 mimosas. Watchin Tony Homo suck balls. Takin' a dump. May have some Sunday Skin Boat to Tuna Town action lined up... All in all an OK day.

2010-01-16T18:30:00.000-05:00

Third dump of the day. Each one looser than the one before it.

2010-01-16T14:48:00.001-05:00

If that last dump was a snake, then this dump is snake eggs. Tiny turds with potent smell. Messy clean up. Great hollowing feeling, though. Gettin' it all out.

2010-01-16T14:48:00.000-05:00

My dump looked like a sleeping snake.

2010-01-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

I had to leave my seat at the computer to take my seat at the Throne. My kingdom is small, but has great odor defense system to ward off enemies (and enemas).

2010-01-13T02:03:00.000-05:00

I've done smarter things than eat a loaded chili baked potato before seeing Avatar... This dump is a SmellMAX 4D experience. Starring Michelle Rodriguez.

2010-01-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

All my turds today have been butt slivers. They keep you feeling like you didn't finish the previous dump, all farts in between reek, but you get all the wipes.

2010-01-11T14:40:00.000-05:00

Taking a dump on a really cold toilet seat at a convenience store. Normally a "convenience" joke would follow but I'm shivering a little much at the moment.

2010-01-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

Post vomit dumps are always a task. Internal pressure differences make evacuation more difficult.

2010-01-06T15:40:00.000-05:00

Sci Fi dump texts: The smell of this dump has shown me the future but as I look at the turds in the toilet, I know I have taken this dump before.

2010-01-05T14:46:00.000-05:00

I just turned my toilet into the "Fiesta Bowl"... Poop with a lot of heart, dooking it out.

2010-01-01T17:49:00.000-05:00

Second dump of the new decade has some fire and spice to it! A good sign for the sex life!

2010-01-01T13:39:00.000-05:00

First dump of the new decade! It's the product of beer, whiskey, vodka, and champagne. Nice consistency, strong and manly odor. It's gonna be a good year.

2009-12-31T13:27:00.000-05:00

Just took a nasty curry dump. It's like the poop the kid jumps in in Slumdog.

2009-12-30T12:43:00.000-05:00

This dump has spoken to me. It asked a question. That question was "Why did you eat so many peanuts on the plane yesterday?"

2009-12-25T14:17:00.000-05:00

I'm laying a yule log that's sure to spread cheer from coast to coast. Every time a Ninja dumps, an angel gets a drink.

2009-12-23T13:48:00.001-05:00

Taking an ATSmell in ATL Farstfield Interracial Aerobus Station.

2009-12-21T12:36:00.001-05:00

Taking a dump. I blacked out last night and woke up at 7am. Excellent victory.

2009-12-17T13:54:00.000-05:00

I enjoy wine dumps. The sediment from the wine creates turds of near perfect consistency. Not too hard, not too soft. Easy cleanup, too. But always green.

2009-12-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

This is what I call a Wednesday Afternoon Crawler.

2009-12-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

A dump, a dump, a big brown dump, smelly nuggets of rancid fun buttmud!

2009-12-11T20:30:00.000-05:00

Taking a dump at the Waldorf Astoria. Doesn't get much classier than this! Redrum! Redrum! Smelly!

2009-12-11T11:15:00.000-05:00

That was 8 sacks worth of poo. I just experienced a "loss of yardage" as in 3 yards of poop exiting my body.

2009-12-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

This dump feels good. Plain and simple.

2009-12-09T19:10:00.000-05:00

Takin' a Wednesday night dump on Friday Night Lights.

2009-12-04T20:08:00.000-05:00

If I owned Troublemaker Studios and had to base its name on what I am doing right now inside its very walls, it would be called Poopmaker Stuidos.

2009-12-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

Saw the new Predator dogs today. Pretty lame. There was some cool machine gun stuff, though. Taking a dump.

2009-12-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

Yuck! This dump looks a lot like what I imagine zombie poop would look like.

2009-12-02T23:41:00.000-05:00

Taking a whiskey river of a dump. My face winced like after a shot of warm Beam when the poo made its exit.

2009-12-02T18:03:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a dump in Phoenix... or to save time, I suppose I could just say "I'm taking a Phoenix."